I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to | lukemitchwest's Blog

I feel absolutely awful and I have 2 choices: Try and articulate why here or watch parks and recreation until I nuke my brain into forgetting I feel shit. I'm actually kind of doing both at the same time. The latter is working too well.
In fact, this is my second time attempting to write this blog. I've shut off parks and recreation. It's a good show and I fancy Aubrey plaza. Melodramatic as it may seem there's something in me and it just feels like this big black ball of negative, and it might have always been there, like always, and I need to pull it out into the open where I can chip at it.

I don't know where to start. It feels like it's so grand and it's composed of so many life experiences and moments that I couldn't really cover it all. I'll just splurge until something hits home.

So the doctor's visit went well. And by "went well" I mean "I have to get circumcised in may" so of course that's terrifying, but I guess it'll make handjobs about 10% less awkward and sore. I had to bring a urine sample to the hospital and I didn't know what to say. I put it on the counter at reception and I was all like "yo, I um, brought you some of my urine too" and they were like "this is the shop get out" I kid, of course.

I feel pretty ugly, inside and out. I think I may be a bit boring at the minute. I feel like I interest people less. I dunno. I haven't really gone out very much. I've been out on the pull even less. I've barely really even gone out on the pull since I became single. I mean once a week I sometimes go with my cool single friend [he must be cool, he has a fringe] and his friend to a bar called the limelight which sucks so fucking hard, and we have some drinks and dance but no one seems to pull, but they seem to pull when I'm not looking, I don't get it. [Except I do] And I know I can do this! I was single once before and I was really good at it! I was all confident and kissing lots of ladies and shit. And I know pulling isn't my priority this time, mental wellness is. But sometimes the two are very much connected.

I think I'm getting somewhere. Feeling somewhat less awful. I'm going to continue.
I missed Becx briefly for the first time earlier in the week when I was sick. One time when I was sick she brought over soup and bread. It was nice. Just the one time though. I did comparable things for her many more times. I know I'm being bitchy but sometimes when I get mad thinking of the time I wasted there are so many little things that piss me off about the relationship that I kind of want to write them all down because it's like holding on to sand. Writing it down will mean it is expressed. It is in concrete, and that angry part of me won't feel it has to remember it. Anyway, I missed Becx for the first time for a moment when I was sick because I wanted someone to take care of me but then I got out of bed and took care of myself and I felt much better for it than if someone had done shit for me and then seen it as me owing them a favour [I can't stop the bitching]. See here's the thing. Sure since I broke up with Becx I've been less happy. But it has not been because of her absence. These are problems that have always been in my life. Becx was a distraction from me fixing them, and kind of made some of them worse. I'm focused on them now and there's always a bit of turbulence when you're trying to institute change into your life. 

I've never felt particularly close to many people. I'm bad at trusting. One of my first "best friends" just watched once while I got the shit beat out of me in the snow and didn't say a word. A group of close friends once just ditched me because an ex told them I was a selfish person. The first person I ever loved cheated on me. I consider it the norm for people to be fickle and not really stick with me. I've done a load of awesome shit and overcome a lot of bad odds and naysayers on a daily basis and all the validation has came from me. No one else has ever recognised anything I've ever achieved or done, and really I don't mind. I'd tell stories of things I'd done to friends and I could see the disbelief in their eyes. And really, that's alright. But it's affecting me a little now. It's almost like these things didn't happen because they don't believe me. Typing that made me realise how retarded that is. progress  

Anyway what I'm trying to say is maybe a lot of these people weren't ever really my friends. Can't lose what you never had.

I used to have something that I'd use to give myself the validation that no one else would. I used to have a picture of me and an old girlfriend, Jess, from when I was 14. I was all fat and acne-ridden in the picture. I had a picture of me and a later girlfriend, Emily, from when I was 16 next to it. In this picture I was a bit older and skinnier etc. proof I'd lost weight and grown and all that, even though no one ever said "congrats on the hard work and losing all the weight, Luke!" [this is what I meant earlier. An achievement without recognition, so I just recognised it myself]. Both pictures were on the wall in my bedroom in my parents house. One time Becx was over. Keep in mind I hadn't lived in this house for over a year. She saw the pictures and threw a huff-fit-cry [it was always a sort of mix of all three] about it. I explained that I had not lived there for a year and that I had forgotten about them. "it doesn't matter," she said. "You still have a picture of your ex up on the wall." I got her attention. "watch," I said. I took the photos off the wall and tore them in half an inch from her face. Then I tore them and tore them until the little bits were little bits and I could do no more. It made no difference. She just repeated that it didn't matter, I still had had a photo of an ex up on the wall. So now that photo's gone. There's no proof that I wasn't always like this, that I worked to earn my appearance, non-outstanding as it might be.  and after that incident if I ever brought it up Becx would talk about it like it was a great wrong I had done and she was such an amazing person for having forgiven me that evil. Do me a fucking favour, love. 

Alicia has a boyfriend, but she's still flirting outrageously. I don't mind. I won't do nothing. Flirting is fun.  

I want sex. I crave it for the first time in a while. Really good, hard, long, loud sex. And I can't/shouldn't have it with Joy because then it might become serious. She could be all "what are we?" afterwards and that is a question that is severely immoral to avoid if you've just came inside them.   
Sex has always been odd for me. Never particularly great and usually eventually resulting in some form of humiliation or anger.