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O you | lukemitchwest's Blog


new year. It's 2013. Lucky for some, hah. I've never had a new years kiss before. I've either been going out with Emily, who didn't like going out on new years eve, or I've been going out with Becx but working. Tonight I had my first, and it was with Joy. I was a bit scared. I haven't been scared of a girl in a long time but she was really pretty and it was intimidating. And I still can't read her. For maybe the first time I found myself looking at her and thinking "what are you thinking?" I can usually hazard a pretty decent guess with most people, but not her. Never her. There were two other parties I was invited to after this, and I intended to go to all of them. My old roommate, Lisa, always used to say that my problem was that I always tried to please everyone. At least I think she said that, I was helping her with her coursework at the time. There was a possibility of a third party as well, my friend Jonny said he was staying at my friend Jenny's house. Jenny's one of those friends I spoke alot about trying to win back. I texted him asking if I could swing by at some point. He texted me back later saying they had told him not to respond. I filed that away for later in my head. No need to feel the hurt right at that moment. Too much to do. 

I went to the first party and arrived just as things went downhill. It had been 2013 for an hour and a couple was having a messy tearful breakup in one corner of the room. Someone else started hyperventilating, someone else threw up all over the place, and another couple was going through some messy shit. My understanding was this couple of four years decided to be polyamorous, and the girl started fucking one of the guys best mates. This had been happening for two months and on this night it finally got to the guy enough to start an argument. Frankly I'm surprised it took two months.

Megan was looking at me with her big blue eyes at the 2nd party, which was a work party. She said we hadn't spoken enough recently, a sentiment I echoed. She has a quality of being so unconditionally encouraging to people. It's a quality I've only really seen in her and my other friend peter, another person to whom I haven't spoken enough to recently either.
people like them, who almost seem unaware of the warmth they kindle in others, make me think of this walt whitman poem.

O You Whom I Often And Silently Come
O YOU whom I often and silently come where you are, that I may be

with you;
As I walk by your side, or sit near, or remain in the same room with
you,
Little you know the subtle electric fire that for your sake is
playing within me.

So at half past eight in the morning I'm leaving and that's when the hurt from earlier hits at once. people who I've known since I was 16, people I've grown up with, would have me be alone on new years eve. Were it not for myself, had I put trust in them or faith, I'd have had nobody. I would have seen in the new year entirely by myself for people I'd have taken a bullet for the year before. And why? Because Rebekah said some things about me behind my back and Nathan, a man who I'd lived with, practically started a campaign against me behind my back. I'm ashamed I called these people friends.  They said some shit a few months ago about how I'd "changed", and frankly the only thing I think has changed about me is I'm starting to respect myself a bit- I'm trying to become the sort of person I'd admire. When I asked them what they thought had changed they said I was vain and last time they saw me I had brought hair gel to a camping trip or something and I can't relate to them anymore. I'm trying to relate to them, y'know? But I've barely left my house in over a year because I was in a fairly possessive relationship, travelling and performing for my hobby on nights, working nights, volunteering days and mystery shopping days! I don't get to really DO very much that people can relate to! And I don't even need to make a rebuttal on the gel thing, that's just retarded. At my worst moments I start to wonder if maybe I have changed for the worst, and sometimes briefly I do kind of wish I was dead, but I know that's stupid. It's really stupid. So I just wish for the next best thing, which is to be gone gone instead, elsewhere. A different country.


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