morning comes in light | lukemitchwest's Blog

I've been doing a lot of meditating this week and have come to an interesting conclusion about my life.
Things have been quiet recently. I've been a little afraid about money so I've been staying in. As normal when I stay in I start to fear about wasted youth. Life running past me at a high pace while I sit in watching 30 Rock and then suddenly I'll be old and the only interesting stories I'll have to tell will be about things that happened around me while I sat in watching sitcoms. And I thought "opposed to what?" and see that's interesting because the alternative is going out and getting blocked or whatever, and how is that using my youth? There's a higher chance of something interesting happening I guess, but just like the sitcoms, anyone can do that. What would not be a waste of my youthful energy? Travelling? I'm sort of doing that, I guess. Learning things? I've got textbooks and textbooks of martial arts stuff and psychology books and every day I know more than the last. I just needed to "find my own fun" I guess, because the pressure I feel to go out isn't a natural thing, it's what society expects me to do with my youth, and I am not necessarily fulfilled or made happy by it. See? All this naval-gazing accomplished something.

Today was Georgie's grandad's funeral, so I didn't think I was going to see her, but during tech tonight she texted me asking if I wanted to visit. I couldn't see it ending well, being on the day of the funeral and me dressed in my tech clothes [which are most definitely comfort-based rather than mourn-based], but what the hell, internet- I missed her. I said yes. She texted me saying "really? don't worry about the clothes, the question is are you brave enough to meet my family? :p" I text her back:
"I am fearless."
I've done it now. I've set myself on this collision course and I can no longer steer myself away. I steel myself up on the drive down, shouting to myself "FEARLESS LUKE MCGIBBON!" All along the motorway. I've never been good with the family of any of my exes. Conversation is stilted and I am scared, so the politeness filter goes into overtime and I suck at talking. I'm the same with managers in work- I just suck at chatting to them because I know they can fire me. In a way meeting them so early is good, see, because its only been 2 dates [though we know there's something more here] it means there's less to lose. I consider approaching this not as a man dating their relative [because it isn't just parents here, it's her entire extended family], but as a stand-up going towards an audience he is apprehensive towards. Turns out this approach works.
I am in a room full of her relatives, politely and jokingly enquiring about the sort of person I am, and keeping it lighthearted allows me to slowly and humbly bring out the things that make me seem like a catch [comedian, volunteer work, career plan as counsellor, used to have 2 jobs, etc] and get along well with them. I really enjoyed it. They kept saying they were really impressed. I'm a bit impressed myself. They're all lovely and give me lots of food on the way out, despite my protests. And Georgie looked ridiculously hot in her black dress. I saved that bit for last because mourning isn't meant to be sexy. She was though.