It's late | lukemitchwest's Blog

I had a whole bunch of thoughts keeping me awake and they were pretty much perfect for a wee journal but they're gone now, I've lost 'em. I'm sick and I've had a lot of good ideas the last few days.

I'm not so sure about this whole Georgie thing sometimes. She doesn't seem to have a thirst for life and exploration like I do. That's a big no-no. I'm not saying "be passionate and excited all the time" but, y'know, be passionate about SOMETHING.
I like her though. I have fun with her and being around her makes me happy. I'm going to stick around for now and see what comes from this. I'm nitpicking, really.

I saw an old friend for coffee earlier in the week and I saw peter a few days ago and both these chats have made me feel very calm about the things that have wound me up some for the last six months.

God, mind, is that all you got? When the lights were off you had so much to say. Hang on, I'm going to do my meditation and come back.
Done. I give up. I got nothin'. my thoughts kept moving to Ballyclare and Georgie. Good thoughts, I must stress.

I just had a look at my calendar from this time last year. If I ever miss becx this is the antidote. Back then she had the password to my calendar [because she cried when she found that I had a place where I kept personal thoughts secret- I wish any part of that sentence was an exaggeration or lie] and she has added in so much stuff. And so much of it is "LOVE ME plEASE LOVE ME" [actual quote] "I NEED LOVE" "please show becx you love her today" "CALLLLLLLLL MEEEEEE"- and It's amazing how blind to it I must have been not to see how immensely taxing it was. Even just reading it now I feel frustrated, because I think of the times I brought my problems to her and she was ridiculously callous or dismissive about them or made them about her or if she was actually helpful it was only so she could use how helpful she had been as ammunition. Ridiculous.
But these aren't the thoughts that keep me up, internet! These are just little nuisance thoughts at best! Aagh.

edit: I am back. I have some more nuisance thoughts; not the ones that kept me up, but best to get as much out as possible. My first homeless befriender shift happened the other day and it was pretty simple. We were just doing inventory of all the rooms for insurance purposes of some sort. To be honest most of them have more spacious rooms and better possessions than I do. stereo systems, flat screen tvs, fancy computer rigs.. I don't know how they afford it. And they're all blasting out proper rave music at like 11am and shit. shit is crazy. I recognised a guy, too. Not too close, but a friend of a friend, enough that we knew each other by name. I felt a bit of a dick, being in his room- I'd have been a bit self-conscious, not mad keen on people knowing I was in a hostel, but he seemed comfortable enough, which is a good attitude to have.

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